Melancholy Reflections
by Maggiemay201
Summary: This is Jane POV, I was working on this for a while and decided to adapt it for how the characters would feel about Frost's death. Lee's death hit his family, friends, cast and crew of R&I hard. As fans, we were saddened too. This is a one shot. Thanks in advance for those who give it a read.


This difficult day has passed, another at it heels. One day at a time, that's how we do it. I remember the first time we met, in the cafe, I was dressed as a hooker. She gives me a twenty and some advise, wearing those blue nitrile gloves. I have to chuckle, even now. I pick my head up and look over at her to see if my musings awoke her. She is still sound asleep. I look back at the scares on my hands and my thoughts continue. My under cover case was successful and my transfer to homicide was part of the reward for twenty-two drug convictions. I was assigned as partner to the best homicide Detective in the Boston Police Department, Vince Korsak. I was on cloud nine, I felt it was all coming together. I was going to prove myself in this "man's" world. I remember the first time I saw her after that. She was sitting alone in the now Café, reading an article over a wilted salad. I was just settling into homicide. Crowe had already proved himself a prick. He called our Medical Examiner, "Queen of the Dead", a phrase coined by a few of the homicide guys. Detective Korsak was different, he told me that her skill and organizational qualities had already helped them crack more cases to date than the previous ME. He was obviously annoyed by Crowe and his antics. Korsak also confided that Det. Crowe was rejected by Dr Isles. He asked her out in front of the other detectives , with cocky confidence, only to be shot down by the good doctor. He called her the "ice queen" and that morphed into the "Queen of the dead" reference, in keeping with her job. As Korsak devoured his burger, I looked over at her again. Something drew me to her, like a moth to a flame. I excused myself from our table, I took out a pair of blue gloves from my belt and $20, then set off to her table. She was sitting quietly when I thrust a gloved hand with the money between the paper she was reading and her face. She sprang back with a gasp as she looked at my hand than at me.

" Here is your money back, thanks for the loan." I smiled, she didn't recognize me. "Tiffiny, from a few months back, the hooker." God did I have to spell it out, I thought in frustration.

"Oh, you know her Detective?" the Doctor questions.

"You could say that. Uh,ah I was her, I was under cover, anyway here's your money back." I force the bill at her, all the amusement in the gesture gone.

"You keep it, put it in the charity box. By the way, the gloves are a nice touch." She smiles. I knew then and there , I had to get to know this women. That smile light up the room and made me melt. She shook me out of my daze, "Maura, Dr Maura Isles. Will you join me Detective?"

I whipped the glove of my right hand and extended it, "Jane, Jane Rizzoli", I said with a smile as I shook her hand. Even then I could feel something I couldn't describe waking up my heart.

"Thanks, I can't, maybe meet for coffee sometime." I nodded as we let go hands. I could detect the hurt no matter how she tried to hide it. I felt my stomach turn reading her thought that I had blown her off. "I have to work on a case. Hey , wait , I'll see you later in the morgue, Det Korsak's case, the gunshot." My eyes light up, this is the first case I get to go to the morgue and observe an autopsy.

She chuckles at my enthusiasm, "In that case, I'll see you later, Jane." We exchange smiles and I leave to rejoin Korsak.

After that we developed a good professional repor. I was the one sent down to the Morgue to get info from our quirky female Medical Examiner. She would shake her head at my puns and attempts to be funny, in an endeavor to lighten the mood. Her meticulous methods, sharp eye for detail and reverence for the victim had me in awe. We make a great team. No lawyer could find any fault with the work of Dr Maura Isles and the cases that went to court were won. We had developed mutual respect for each other. We would meet for coffee occasionally, but our determination to make our mark in these male dominated professions, took up all our time and energy. That was until Hoyt.

I was so damn determined to prove myself. I even pissed my partner off with my competitiveness. We were working the case, Hoyt was our man and I had a hot lead. I wanted to go out to the farm his family owned. I was sure we would find him there. It was late in the evening and Korsak wanted to do the take down in daylight, needed time to assemble a team. I argued that if Melissa, his last take , was alive we had to act immediately. Korsak reminded me that what I had was just a lead and that if we spent all our resources and went out there we may miss Hoyt at at least four other locations. He reminded me the importance of the element of surprise as well as doing our homework. He wanted Melissa alive too but we had to act smart. I disagreed and stomped off. I followed my hunch, and at dusk I arrived at the farm house, I entered it. There were a few cans and a slept in cot , but nothing else. I dropped my weapon to leave , I thought I heard a whimper. I drew closer to the sound, it was emanating from the floorboards; it was then I made the error, going in with no back up. Hoyt was waiting, waiting for me. He was hiding in the shadows as I descended basement stairs, service pistol drawn. I saw Melissa, then all went black. He whacked me over the head with a board, I was jolted awake by a searing pain in my right hand. I cried out as the scalpel blade tore through ligament and bone. Then he tasered me and the searing pain went through the left hand. I was crying, pleading, begging. Hoyt hovered over me.

"Jane, its you I wanted. Melissa is a pawn, but you, you are my prize, Jane." I could hear my pathetic pleading and whimpering as he moved lower. I felt my belt buckle loosen, I felt me coming undone, both by pain and circumstance. Then the basement hatch opened and gunshots rang out. Korsak's shocked face appeared and all I could utter was, "It hurts, it hurts," his tweed jacket was over me and he was saying words I couldn't hear. He left my field of view yelling. My hands were on fire I was whimpering and gasping for air. Tears occluded any vision. I was about to panic when a gentle hand stroked my face and wiped my tears. My head was pounding and the pain so intense I couldn't make out what she was saying. All I could squeak out was,_ "Maura."_ Nothing made sense, then she asked what seemed as a question, I nodded. There was pressure on my lower arms, then pain in my left hand, I tried to pull away but couldn't, as I writhed in pain. I was full out crying, the pain ripped through my right hand, I screamed again. She had released me. I know now that she put her knees gently on my forearms so I wouldn't pull back and cause more damage when she pulled out the scalpels that pinned me to the floor by my hands, the searing pain, still burned into my memory. I was being lifted up and guided. Korsak held my hands as they were bandaged. Maura was tasked with surveying the scene. As the bandaging was completed, they made room for a stretcher to take me to Mass General.

* * *

I think I was in shock, I could hear the reporters. What they want to see is a broken Detective to show my tear streaked face , better yet a female detective, a broken quivering women. More fodder for the men's club. No, I wouldn't be that Detective. "No, please no." I searched for Maura, suddenly she was beside me. She hugged me close and planted a kiss on my head. She spoke and people scattered. I looked through foggy eyes at my mummy like hands. They throbbed and I felt nauseous at the pain. I leaned over as my stomach reached my mouth, gentle hands supported me and held my hair until I was done. Then a wave of pain hit and she held me as I cried. I had nothing left, no dignity, no pride, no respect for myself, or my foolishness, I was broken. Hoyt won.

"Jane, honey, its time to move." She wiped my face clean of tears with a damp cloth and cupped my chin in her hand. "We're going to walk out of here, your brothers in blue have everything set." Fear must have been evident in my eyes, "Can you hold it together until we reach my car?" she queried. I just nodded. "Alright, lets go, " as she gives the signal, space clears. Korsak takes station on one side , Maura on the other. They help me stand, both strong arms of support around mine, we start to move. Up the stairs and out. I can hardly contain the tears, as Frankie signals, the uniforms turn toward the press and force them back. Frankie stands , lip quivering as he salutes me. Even Crowe, nods at me as he opens the door of Maura's black Mustang. He flips up the seat to the back and supports me as Maura enters the car first. Korsak and Crowe guide me in, I collapse on Maura. She has me in a tight hug, "Just a little longer, hold on," she whispers. I am shaking and the pain emanating up by arms and from the bump on my head is intense, but I hold it. Korsak slips into the drivers seat , starts the engine and we speed off before the press, crowded around the ambulance, realize what has happened. Maura has my head tucked under her chin, my hands on her lap, blood is starting to seep out onto her dress, she seems to take no notice. She whispers in my ear, "Let go", and I do, in ugly , screaming wracking sobs. She holds me tight as we speed to the hospital, I can feel her rocking me and drawing soothing circles on my back. The pain numbs all attempts at comfort until, blackness.

I start to come too from my haze. The pain in dulled, I look at my hands , freshly bandaged and an IV in my left arm. I look to my right to see a head laying on my bed. First I think it's Maura, but then I realize its my mother. I was happy she was there but there was a small piece of me that wished it was Maura. I doze off again. The next time I wake I see my mother fussing about around my bed, then she notices me and her attention turns to me. I love my mother but she can be so loud. She is joined by my Dad who kisses my head, then I drift off again after giving them both a slight smile.

The next time I wake I see her, she looks down at me and smiles. "Hey," she says.

"Hey back," I rasp in a gravel voice. She strokes my arm and I can feel the lump rise in my throat. My Dad and brother come into view and she pats my arm and leaves. I try hard to swallow the lump in my throat, so I don't cry in front of Pop and Frankie. To me, it's a sign of weakness but I feel safe to let it go in front of Maura, she grounds me somehow.

After two days I am released, I'm scared spitless as the nurse recounts to my mother how to look after my needs. Ma had feed me most of my meals, but Maura came in and fed me supper once while she flipped through a sports magazine for me. To have no use of ones hands means also, that in all forms of hygiene, I am dependent on others. I feel like a baby again, having my mother help with my toilet needs.

I make sure all the potty time needs are tended before I leave the hospital. The drive home is incessant bickering between my parents. I roll my eyes, boy this is going to be fun,_ NOT_, I think to myself. When I walk in the door, Maura is there, I feel my heart leap. Ma asked her to help set things up for me. She gives me a pleasant nod and smiles. I could use one of her strong hugs right now, but I'm glad she can't read my mind because if she hugged me then, I would have totally came undone. She has taken some movies for us to watch. She flashes through them, most are documentaries, then I spy_ The Dark night_, one of my all time favorite Batman movies. We settle in to watch it. Maura sits on one side of my parent's couch and I on the other. Mom brings in a red wine for Maura and a beer for me. I look at my bandaged mits. My mother reminds me that I shouldn't have the beer because of the pain meds I'm on, she will make an exception this time because its my first night home. I look again at my concealed hands. I feel Maura move closer. She held the beer in front of me and guided the bandaged appendages to control the rest of the approach to my mouth. We sit side by side watching the movie. Ma, Pop and Frankie come in and out of the room, but Maura stays. My head resting on her shoulder as she heeds my signal for another gulp of my beer. When the movie is over, she wakes me up. I slept through the last 20 minutes. I hope I didn't drool on her, I tend to drool when I sleep. If I did, she never mentioned it. As she turns to leave, I lift a mit to get her attention, she turns in time to see me whence. There is still a lot of pain and I shouldn't move to sudden. She reminds me. I nod. Then I signal for her to come closer. I whisper in her ear and she looks me in the eye and says, "Alright." She helps me up and we go to the bathroom. As a Doctor, I guess I felt better asking her for help than my mother. I felt a little embarrassed as she closed the bathroom door behind us. She smiled at me and made me feel so at ease. She was gentle, kind, respectful and quietly helped in what had to be done. She never once made me feel ashamed of what she had seen or done for me. I thanked her as we exited the room. She said goodbye to my family and came back and pecked me on the cheek and said she would check on me later.

Who could predict how enraged and hurt my Ma would be that someone she perceived as a stranger would be the first to help me. By three weeks into the healing process I was just about done with home life. Ma was great at looking after my needs and feeding me, but her incessant derogatory remarks about what my job did to me was taking its toll. Korsak came over to see me, he watched a game with me, but was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. He was very sweet to come and bring good wishes from the homicide department. Maura came over occasional and brought stories from work. She called this evening that she was going to be late, so I told Ma that I would wait my supper for her. I convinced her to come over anyway. She told me stories as she feed me supper and eat between my bites. I wanted to hear what was going on, but I was apprehensive about the thought of going back.

* * *

After supper, she helped my Mom clean up and thanked her for the supper. Some hushed tones in the kitchen was my signal that they were discussing me. I huffed and waited for Maura to sit on the couch with me. Maura sits and holds out her hands to accept mine. She removed the bandages one at a time. I stare at the scared appendages. My hands are thin, muscle has atrophied, they are still painful to touch. She asks me to squeeze, I can barely even move them because of the pain. I try for her, I try. She looked at me and rubbed my forearms. I let tears come, the whole pain and frustration came out in a cascade of water. I fell into her not stifling the sobs, I felt my mother's hands on my back and her cooing words of comfort. It was the first time since my Nonna died that my mother has seen me cry. Maura held me so gently and allowed me to let it out.

After another week I need a change. I wanted to go to my apartment, my cave , anywhere my mother wasn't. She and Maura had discussed the options. Me living alone in my apartment was not one of them. The low talking earlier, was about giving Ma a break. They had decided that Maura's offer was the best option. Ma was driving me nuts. Maura took a few days off and came with me. I hated to inconvenience her ,but she insisted. She was gracious as my mother lectured her on how to care for me properly. Maura was loaded down with my pain killers, prune juice and more advice than enough.

I had never been to Maura's before, the house was huge. Maura set me up in the quest room with a private bath. I was now capable of showering myself and looking after most needs. I started physio last week. I worked my hands on that little ball until the pain was so intense, even the painkillers couldn't touch it. The therapist said not too much, just do what I'm able to start with. I never go small, no pain ,no gain. That was the night she found out about the nightmares.

_I was naked, my hands splayed on either side, the pain was intense. I saw him then, Hoyt, bearing down on me, I tried to cover myself, but my hands were harpooned to the floorboards and of no use. I thought about ripping my hands free, but the sheer pain at the thought was enough. I felt alone, pathetic broken, Hoyt won_.

I awoke to someone screaming. It was me, I was hugging myself, a sheen of cold sweat covered me and I was sobbing. The door wiped open and she is there in a second. I was enveloped in her arms. She spoke softly, I couldn't hear the words because of the half scream and sobs I am uttering. I cling to her so tight, I fear I may crush her, but I do not let go, I couldn't.

"Jane, Jane, hunny, how long have you had these nightmares?" She questioned as I calm my sobs. I still have a death grip around her waist, she never complains."You may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder? Maybe you should see someone. Talk about what happened."

My response was angry and desperate. "No, no one can know, I'm not weak Marua, I can work it out." I said foolishly as I was still a quivering mass of flesh holding onto my friend for dear life. "You help me, you're the only one who knows, please help me," I couldn't believe how desperate I sounded.

"How could your family not know, you screamed loud enough to raise the dead?" She said as she held and rocked me. She was in the bed, my head on her lap and my broken hands in a death grip, still around her waist. They ached so bad, but her grip hugging me back was so strong, I didn't want her to let go, so I held on.

"I told Ma I rolled on my hands and she believed me." I choked out. "Can you be my Doctor, can I talk to you?" I spoke in a voice unrecognisably weak but I knew it was my voice. I was still a quivering mass adhered to this soft, warm, wonderful person. She listened to me, without judgement, without pity, just acceptance and friendship. She held me and caressed my back, I felt so warm, safe and guilty.

The week turned into two. Maura went back to work the second week. I watched sports, eat COCO puffs for lunch and filled my day taking Jo Friday for walks and padding around Maura's house. I awaited her coming through the door. Ma came over and made some suppers. I was happy to see her, just living with her was too much. She came and made supper more and more. She said Daddy was working late and she would bring leftovers home for him. I didn't see it then, I was too wrapped up in myself. The weeks went by, physio continued and I got better. Six weeks later I was on desk duty, twelve weeks and I was back at the firing rage and passed. Back to active duty for me.

Maura and I have been through so much together. Hoyt's return twice since the first time. I was frozen with fear when he and Mason had us pinned. I could not see Maura hurt, so I summoned all my energy and lashed out at Mason. I took him down. Thanks heavens for Korsak, again and Frost, who saved the day in the nick of time. We lived through Bianchi, Doyle and Rockmond. Things like my parents divorce, the Lydia incident, Paddy Doyle, Hope and the kidney donation. The present day reality slams in.

As I lie awake on Maura's bed in the guest room once again. Like that night four years ago when I was on her doorstep after Hoyt's escape, here she is with me. She lived in a different part of Roxbury then, but the circumstances are the same. I'm scared , alone and vulnerable. I need somewhere to run, to be myself. We have been through so much together. She comes to me when she is troubled and I ,well , I go to her. We have seen each other cry so many times. The tragedy or horror of the cases sometimes bring us to tears, especially if children are involved, it hurts so much.

Our friendship has grown, to mutual respect and love. I would put my life on the line for her and I know she would do the same for me. I was never really close to any of the girls growing up. When we were friends, there was always something that came between us, usually a boy. I was very sports oriented and hung around with the boys. It was much less confusing, they gave no mixed signals. My girl "friends" were jealous of my friendships with the boys, especially the ones they liked. I never really had a best female friend. No one to talk to or confide in, without the danger of betrayal. That is until Maura. She is brilliant, quirky and beautiful. We come from different backgrounds but we have grown together. I could be myself around her and she was the same with me.

Maura stirs in her sleep, I reach my hand over and gently take hers, she settles back. She is hurting too. We all are. This job, it sucks body and soul dry. The reality of what one human can do to another is hard to wrap your head around. We do our jobs, seek justice for the dead by day, by night, or when we are alone, we fight our own demons. Barry's struggles over took him. Sadly they took him. I lay awake angry at myself for missing something. _Some detective I am_. Was there something I missed? Maura chastised me for the feelings. We all have them. She is right, as usual, no one is to blame. The feeling that haunts me now besides guilt, is anger. Anger at Barry, anger at myself. Why did he not reach out? Why did he give us no indication of his state? Why did he leave us. Uh oh, here come the tears again.

I squeeze Maura's hand lightly, she stirs and squeezes back, but she does not wake. I wipe my eyes. Its the first night . Lt Cavanaugh gives us all some leave. Frankie and Tommy are with Ma, she's a mess. Maura and I broke the news to her, Sean took her home, then he sent Frankie home. Frankie is a mess too, he and Frost worked well together. Tommy respected Barry too. I worried about Vince, they turned out to be such good friends. They teased but I know Korsak loved him like a son. Sean said he would go over to Vince's and share some scotch. "I've had this bad boy for two years", holding up the bottle, "saving it for a special occasion." He looked pensive and pained. "Toasting Barry will be its honor and our's. Us old war vets have lost many friends in battle, Vince and I will be okay." He replies as he looks into my watery eyes. I couldn't help it, at that moment he was Sean, my friend, not Lt Cavanaugh, my boss. I hug him and I feel him slightly crumble before he releases his hug. We pull away, both of us with emotion spilling over our eyelids. Sean wipes a hand over his face. "Don't worry Jane, I'll look after Vince. May not be there for coffee tomorrow, but we'll be along." He smiles and gets in his car.

I stifle a sob at the memory.

We plan to all meet for coffee tomorrow morning here at Maura's. If all that scotch goes, I doubt I will see the two older men. I should contact Casey tomorrow, he admired Frost too. I want to do a eulogy for him, my mind is racing. God, he was such a good partner and friend. I knew he always had my back. He was so smart, anything with a computer, he was all over it. Our entire department feels his loss.

I feel so raw, I am so lucky to have Maura. I think that third glass of wine did her in. Its now 4:00 AM and we talked and cried until three. I love I can do that around her. I don't feel I have to be "bad-ass", it hurts so much. She was there to support me and Vince when Cavenaugh broke the news. I was frozen in time. She hugged Korsak then looked at me. I couldn't stay there, I booked it for the bathroom. I yelled at a poor rookie to get out of the bathroom as I entered. She dried her hands and made a hasty retreat. I remember pacing like a caged lion, slowly coming undone. I turned and looked up, ready to give whoever came in an ear full. It was Maura, with a painful look on her face. I could feel my body shake as the shock and sorrow exploded out. Next thing I knew, I was a sobbing mess on the floor, Maura's arms wrapped tightly around me sobbing along with me. People look at me as the strong one, really its her. She has a gentle manner and she helped so many at the station deal with the shock. She didn't give herself time to absorb it, not until tonight and I was there for her. All that emotional stress is tiring, along with the wine, was enough to knock her out.

I feel like I could maybe dose off. Ma will be over early to start the coffee. It will be a rough day, together we can get through it. Frost would want us to carry on, to remember the fun we had, the good times. We will toast him and know that he is now at peace.

FINI


End file.
